my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize