probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
