Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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