i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
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