I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
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