It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
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