He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
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