I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
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