Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
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