Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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