When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
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