i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize