so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
