I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
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