When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
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