What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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