Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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