It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Randomize
