I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
Randomize