If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
