Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
