Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
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