I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
