I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
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