what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
We did face masks and fucked...he really isn't gay, what they say about europeans is just true
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Randomize
