his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
