As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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