I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
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