found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
How drunk are you?
Completed.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Randomize
