someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
Randomize
