So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
