My Higher Power is John Stamos
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
Randomize
