No awkward lesbian experiences without me
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize