I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
Randomize
