I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Randomize
