upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
