the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
