I'd wear matching sweaters with you
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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