Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
I can't put those talents on a resume
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
