Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
