How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
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