I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
