got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
