I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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