I don't usually arrange sex via text message
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
