I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
