Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Randomize
