i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
Randomize
