woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
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