Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
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