The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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