Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Randomize
