Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
