It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
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