i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
