Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Randomize