Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
