I am spending my child support on dildos
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
