a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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