Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Randomize
