I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
