I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
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